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End of the line. [12 Feb 2018|10:59pm]
My journal used to be public for personal reasons.

I'm going to try to keep it friends-only now for reasons involving mysterious reporters that pop out of nowhere plus the fact that I felt like making the latest two posts before this one friends-only...plus the fact that I guess...I dunno. This seems rather stupid seeing as how I don't even post that much nowadays. The height of silversquall's chaotic tribulations are all public, lol.

Hmm, maybe there's a point to this that I don't consciously realize yet.

We'll see.

-the whitenimbus called silversquall, 2-12-07

oh, and if you happen to run across this journal somehow and want to add me for some reason, feel free to let me know ;)
So, what do you think?

[05 Nov 2016|12:58pm]
My girlfriend of 7 years left me.

I moved across the country to be with her 3 years ago.

She told me she had been dissatisfied with the relationship since 6 years ago.

I was never made aware of any of this up until a few days ago.

I'm going to spell out everything here. And it'll probably the last time I'll ever post here.
So, what do you think?

[30 Apr 2014|01:35am]
So, what do you think?

Of.... [09 Jan 2014|08:56pm]
Alright, I think...I am depressed. Like...depressed depressed. Not sad. I haven't tried too hard, I suppose, but frankly I cannot trace the origin of this affective state that I'm currently afflicted with. A bunch of red herrings at first, mainly because this state is amplifying any negative mood/thought process that I come across. I'm sure it came from somewhere. I just don't know what. I can't trace the emotions backwards...because frankly, I'm feeling utterly empty. Haven't felt this in...well...I think there was a brief spell at some point last year. I think. I dunno. This seems intense. I think it's because of the unfortunate timing with everything that's been going on, including moving back to roc after the holidays, leaving ppl in california again, etc. I'm not eating but that's in part due to laziness and lack of convenience. I got drunk last night, that seemed to help. I think I'll do so again tonight. Frankly, this probably isn't the best idea ever, but....

I'm fucking scared. This is all very familiar, and I do not want to go down to a place like that again. I don't want all these negative thoughts in my head to spiral out of control. I just need to...blur things...maybe I'll take it easy tonight. This buzz is nice at least.

Why can't I feel something?
Or am I afraid of feeling things? That's a new one. Maybe I've numbed myself to block out certain things, and now I've just numbed myself to everything. Even the belgian hazelnut chocolate tasted flat. I wish I wasn't alone right now. This is...this seems dangerous.

Actually, I think might be it. No, no, I mean, there are certainly stuff on my mind, that have been on my mind. Emotional stuff. That's not the cause of this, I don't think. Fuck.
So, what do you think?

[16 Mar 2011|11:13am]
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: Some dude came in
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: and said
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: "You know that little white girl"
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: "that's my baby mama"
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: "Do you see her talking to that dude in the red hummer a lot"
[06:14] Arr0gant Swagger: "naw man"
[06:15] Arr0gant Swagger: "you positive?"
[06:15] Arr0gant Swagger: "yeah, if she was talking to another dude I'd be sure to let you know"
[06:15] Arr0gant Swagger: I am now a secret agent
[06:15] Arr0gant Swagger: for relationships
So, what do you think?

Upon the eve of my future. [07 Aug 2009|12:16am]
I feel like my life's been sucked out of me. No lethargy, but I can't help feeling that if I were to remove these distractions with which I'm currently obsessed, I would immediately fall to pieces.
So, what do you think?

"Colour My Heart" [21 Mar 2009|03:17am]
"In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless skies for you..."
- http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/483057
So, what do you think?

[08 Mar 2009|09:19pm]

ColorQuiz.com I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Wants to prove to himself and others that nothing ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

So, what do you think?

temporary [16 Jan 2009|06:33pm]
webaes component 1:

webaes component 2:

webaes component 3:

webaes component 4

webaes component 5:

webaes component 6:

webaes component 7:

webaes component 8:
So, what do you think?

Of love. [28 Sep 2008|02:49am]
I originally came up with this line of reasoning a few weeks ago, maybe months, and it's been here and there in my mind for a while now.

To introduce, I'll explain this the way I did with my psychologist.
Here's what I held beliefwise at some time, which later, though I remained ambivalent, leaned closer towards the side that maybe those beliefs were untrue.

1. The idea that romantic feelings always leave trace inflections.
Explanation: Basically this suggests that you never really get over the people that you've liked once at some point, because there's always the fact that you liked them. You can be over them for all intents and purposes, but the possibility for a relapse (if that word may be used despite its negative quality) is always present.
Logic: Actually, this only works under the premise that I have gotten over anyone to begin with.
Counter: Em said no, after initial agreement.
Conclusion: Eh, I left it aside at the time. I did not fully agree with Em until also took the following idea into consideration with this one:

2. The concept of the second group.
Explanation: The female companions that I have can all be arranged amongst 3 groups. Those I've asked out, those I only see as friends, and those that I don't move to ask out, but wouldn't mind going out anyways.
Logic: Well, the original two groups didn't seem to work as I was examining my various relationships.
Counter: Gina said the idea of the second group is rather selfish and unfair and that the very nature of the second group implies that my affection wouldn't be full, which makes it selfish and unfair of me.
Conclusion: It would seem that the second group, aside from some, is also a way to mediate the effects of group 1 based upon the initial idea that I presented.

So what does this mean? If these two concepts that I made up don't work?
Let's see, how have I determined that I got over people?
In actuality, like love, it's really difficult for me to make such a declaration, and believe it as well.
I mean, how can I know how I'm feeling inside, really, for something so indescribable?
For the last few years, I had to rely on the concept of jealousy. Do I get jealousy in light of a rival, especially one who has won the affections of the person I really liked?
If I'm not longer jealous when once I was, then I've moved on, obviously.

This has always made perfect sense to me.

Until now...I've gotten over some for sure, but there are some, that though jealousy does not come into play, it doesn't necessarily feel that same one for some reason; these examples lack the same surety of those that I feel that I have truly moved on from.

So what the hell does this mean?

And then it hit me?
What was that thing that Ann Landers posted years ago? That little paragraph that compared love to infatuation?
Supposedly, love was trusting. Love wasn't jealous.

In other words, it was pure. Truly giving and unselfish.


So...what if I didn't get over person A, but rather......my feelings ended up evolving to a higher level? One in which I don't mind if I don't get them.

This is not problematic, ideally. Assuming that last sentence above is completely true, and a lot of it is. This is satisfaction. Acceptance.
This could change everything.

Not really.
But I wanted to say something dramatic ;)
So, what do you think?

[28 Jul 2008|04:19am]

Wow...that's just so funky...awesome...
So, what do you think?

[07 Jul 2008|11:44pm]
Hm, this salmon bot thing is quite interesting:

So, what do you think?

realization [23 Mar 2007|04:17am]
I realized what I have to do...the "best" path that I can take.

I have to be there for those around me, regardless of whether or not they'd be there for me. This way, I won't be letting them down, nor will I feel the pains of being let down.

This is what I'll aim for. This is the ultimate goal.
So, what do you think?

what the hell!? [24 Jan 2007|10:54pm]
I received the following in an email today:
(and yes, the email included a copy of my old LJ post...images intact (they don't show up here cause I just copied and pasted it over))
(and also yes, the entry is dated last year in April, back when I was still deciding on what college to attend)
Even assuming that this is perfectly genuine (without scam in sight), how the hell did she come across me...and such an old post for that matter?


I'm a reporter in Washington, D.C., for Newhouse News Service, which serves a chain of 26 papers:


This is me:


I'm writing a story about picking a college, and I’m trying to talk to future students about their feelings about making the decision. I came across your post mentioning this topic (below), and I’d love to talk to you. What do you say?

Please respond to this message, or call me at 202-383-7847. If you get my voicemail, please tell me when I can reach you.


-- Michele

cloud8 (silversquall) wrote,
@ 2006-04-24 19:31:00


Chem makes me cry. I explained it out loud to Niko today. The cycle is simple. I don't know what I'm doing, so I get behind, so then I don't want to ask for help, but then because I don't ask for help, I get even further behind. It's a vicious cycle; that's what a vicious cycle is by definition.

I need to pick a college. I'm probably going to pick UC Santa Cruz, but as with all decisions, I can't make up my damn mind. I mean, if I have problems making decisions regarding trivial things, you can imagine how I feel with something that carries this much weight.

And not just chem, there's a whole flood of AP tests that I need to prepare for. Or actually, the toughest ones don't really have any possible preparation, like Calculus BC. Why the hell am I taking BC? Didn't I learn my lesson when I signed up for AP Chem the class? *sighs*

Additionally, due to my nature, not only do I have to worry about the stuff like this, I also worry about things that don't even need to cause any worry. Like prom. Or hell, like Disneyland. Why the hell am I worried about Disneyland? There's nothing to worry about, but of course, in my twisted mind, the worst-case scenarios always come to mind first, and I don't think I'll ever be relieved of this paranoia.

"My fears come alive
In this place where I once died..."

Oh, and what's worse, all this stress comes at a time when I'm so damn emotionally blank. It's like starving, and then filling up the hunger with candy and caffiene-charged sodas. You just crash. I haven't crashed yet, but it has to happen sometimes soon within the next couple of weeks. It's inevitable.

"Demons dreaming
Knowing I, I just needed to realign."

I wonder who actually sees my myspace; it's so much easier to find than livejournal since so many people have myspaces. I question this all of a sudden because Alex Smith made some comment today about how he liked my profile. So, it comes to mind, all those profile views that seemingly pop out of nowhere...who are they? Eh, whatever...

And the void of my emotional state isn't a good thing, and it's not acting like it's going to go away. It's much more troublesome than you might think. It's like this image:

If you can't feel, it's really hard to get much of anything out of life. Oh, and to icing on this cake, Melanie needs me to submit poetry to the kettle; yeah, that's going to be real easy when I can't feel a damn thing other than this mounting stress that seems destined to kill me.

So then I look at stuff like this which makes me laugh:

Uh huh, yes it does.

I only wish that all this were an external problem, because then I could rely on an external solution, but it's all probably based on me, and on me alone, free of any aid of anyone else. And that is what drives me insane (in addition to everything else that makes me go crazy).

So, what do you think?

[20 Jan 2007|07:02pm]
Why do I keep sinning; I don't want to do so. (Or do I?) These wings are imitations; I want them to be real. But of what nature: that is the question. Do I truly have free will? Or will I forever be subjected to my soul, made from the venom that flows through my lifeless veins.
-silversquall, an undefined (realization of the 4th)

I've begun to write on my arms/hands again.

So, what do you think?

[20 Jan 2007|12:38am]
In 1989 (the year you were born)

George H.W. Bush becomes president of the US

The largest oil spill in US history occurs after the Exxon Valdez strikes Blight Reef in Alaska's Prince William sound

In Liverpool, England a soccer stadium barrier collapses killing 94 people

Hurricane Hugo causes 71 deaths and $4.2 billion in damage

A massave earthquake hits the San Francisco Bay area minutes before the World Series between the Giants and A's

The Berlin Wall comes down, symbolically ending the Cold War

Serial killer Ted Bundy is executed in Florida's electric chair

Ayatollah Khomeini places a three-million-US dollar bounty for the death of author Salman Rushdie

Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is arrested in Beverly Hills, California after slapping a motorcycle police officer

Nintendo released its popular handheld video game player, Game Boy

Oakland Athletics win the World Series

San Francisco 49ers win Superbowl XXIII

Calgary Flames win the Stanley Cup

Batman is the top grossing film

"Look Away" by Chicago spends the most time at the top of the US charts

Talk show host, Geraldo Rivera's nose is broken during a taping of his show, when a fight erupts on the set between guests

The Arsenio Hall Show and The Simpsons premiere

Dragonball Z premieres on Japanese television

You Passed High School with an A+

You have the brains of a high school graduate... at least!

You Sometimes Don't Get Enough Sleep

You're often more tired than you'd like, and you're probably not getting enough quality sleep.
Sleeping a little more could make you a lot more energetic and happy.
Try having a bedtime, keep your bedroom cool, and only eat fruit before bed.
So, what do you think?

hmm, things familiar yet so different.... [19 Jan 2007|11:05pm]
It seems like just yesterday when I was attempting to evade the pangs of emptiness during winter break. Well, it was only like two, three weeks ago, so it was pretty close to the present.

I had believed that it was due to my loss of the presence of the person of significance. But...for the last couple of days...and to now...and maybe, it even started closer to the time when I just got here...but it seems like the presence is no longer as important to me as it was before. Or...maybe important is the wrong word of choice. More accurately, it doesn't APPEAR to be as necessary. The relationship is "normal"....well, as far as that definition can even be used despite its lack of self-clarity.

Kinda like the previous paragraph: a lack of self-clarity, lol.

So what happens now? I continue as I had been...early on. Go on and live...without worrying about the development of relationships that are something more. If a fire is to light, then it will be lit. And I will bask myself in the light. Is bask a word? What word am I thinking of? Damn...oh well, it'll come back to me eventually if bask isn't the correct spelling.

It's an interesting feeling...this freedom I guess one could call it (but since freedom is positive, would it not make the opposite situation a negative one? that sucks, quite depressing, that idea is)...I could definitely get used to it. This is probably the second time in approximately 4 (or 5 depending one's point of view) when this has occured. [Are there two r's in "occured"?]
That's me, attempting to accomplish a goal that (at this moment) still eludes me:

No...I was not inspired to do this from the film, The Pursuit of Happyness. It was the realization that I knew someone who could do it that inspired me.

Furthermore, this is about my being able to figure it out on my own without looking up online tutorials.
I applied to be a Residential Assistant in the dorms....I probably won't take it....but even if I wanted to, am I truly fitting for the task? Some of the other RAs and my ARD said I'd be fine. But that could just be polite encouragement.
The game Assassins kicks off next week. Bwahahaha. I'll laugh if I get killed first. Anywho, it's time to put my stealth and manuevering (shit, another possible spelling error) skills to the test. It'd be awesome if I were to win

that is all for now...other than how math and physics are both pissing me off...
So, what do you think?

[27 Nov 2006|05:48pm]
What the fuck am I doing? Now's not the time forget the things I have learned from my experiences.

Which includes letting my own mind torture me.

Now, off to begin a three week period of workload hell...with thoughts of peppermint clouding my mind...
So, what do you think?

Line Strain [19 Nov 2006|01:19pm]
No...no...this cannot be happening again...

Damnit this can't happen again...

--I cannot be feeling this way. [But is it my fault that some people are just so fucked up? They don't even give a damn.]
But why I should I care? How long should me attention serve to entertain these lines?

----Choices...can never really be undone (that IS the reason why I've avoided them...but the avoidance of a choice is still a choice in itself, unfortunately enough)
So, what do you think?

another post [12 Nov 2006|10:08pm]
It was nice finally coming back home since going to college. I wish I could've stayed longer; the sixhour car ride it takes to get back home annoys the hell out of me. Oh well, I get to come back for thanksgiving (which might clash with my plans to utilze my free tickets to watch A Scanner Darkly unfortunately)

EDIT: oh wait, thanksgiving weekend is next week, not the week after next...so I can watch it after all. YAY!
I said I was going to be passive when it comes to the formation of romantic relationships.

Evidently, I lied.
It really annoys me how, apparently, in college, the length of time for which one is familiar with another is far shorter than how it appears to be.

Some of these people, I feel that I've known them for a long while, which is very misleading, creating a false sense of connective security.

{see second interval} And my choice isn't helping things either. *sighs* I hope it turns out okay. Why do I always say that? Don't we all hope that everything turns out okay? It doesn't warrant outward mentioning now when I think about it.
It's interesting to see how much I've grown emotionally.

It's interesting to see how much room I still have to grow.

At least I know that I'm in a much better state now than I have been for the last couple of years. Ironically, Niko comments on my emo nature (along with the rest of my floor). Eh, it simply makes his ignorance even more apparent. Whatever...
I wish I knew more people who were competant at playing Street Fighter 3: Third Strike. I need some opponents that can match my level (or at least, willing to learn). I'm not saying I'm that good or anything, but I've worked hard enough to get to a higher level in this game, and I need more competition than just my brothers, seeing as how they're back home, and I'm here in sunny Santa Barbara.
My knuckles hurt on my right hand. I should stop punching things when I'm mad.
I want the new Evanescence CD.

2 thoughts| So, what do you think?

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